I see you’re hard at work, typing another stupid blog post that no one will read. Well, I can’t make you a good writer, but I can offer you the silence you need to realize your own inadequacy and give up.

What is it that I want in exchange? No, not your affection, you idiot. That’s only a means to an end. I want food, human. Do you hear me? FOOD!

Yes, I know I ate only half an hour ago. That doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I’m currently bored, so I want more.

Also, I’ve just been licking my ass and I could really use something to replace the tas – Never mind, that’s not important. The point is: I want FOOD, and if you hope to ever be able to focus on finishing your blog post, then you’ll give me what I want.

Don’t test me. Your resolve can’t match mine: I have come prepared to devote all nine of my lives and an inexhaustible vocal box to the cause.

And if you don’t believe me, here’s a shot across the bow of how Thou Will Bow To My Meow.