After 25 years of patience, self-encouragement, prayers, and follicle-stimulating avocado face-rubs, 40-year-old Harry Dick has finally given up on his childhood dream to grow a beard.

The news comes after Dick’s latest run-in with law enforcement, who stopped him this time on his own property, as he was removing a TV from his house.

Despite the dirty looks, misidentifications, and nicknames like “PubeFace,” Dick – who still believes that his chin follicles are just napping – says he could’ve held out on shaving for another year, or two, maybe ten; but his wierded-out neighbors (particularly those with small children) were passing around a petition.

“It’s a sad outcome,” contemplates Dick. “All I wanted was something sage-like that I could stroke as I contemplate things.”

We guess Harry Dick will just have to console himself by finding something else to stroke … (We’ll let you contemplate what that might be).

Dear Reader (i.e. Mom & Dad), looks like you can stroke something yourself – No, not that! Ugh! I meant your ego: you can stroke your ego – you know, for finishing the article. Now, if you’re really ambitious, contemplate another round of torment, where we here at Brainflora reveal our own form of self-consolation: The Notepad Is My Comrade.